In the ongoing story of seeking diagnosis, I finally saw somebody who I could communicate with. He asked questions, I answered, he gave feedback, explaining what he was looking for in the answers I had just given. I believe he will explain all details with real knowledge if he says I am not autistic… He knows and understands autism, I can tell from his questions and explanations, and I have the input of people who left comments online (autistic clients!) and the referral of the adult woman who he diagnosed years ago when he was less experienced.
I have confidence we will get real answers this time. I had an initial meeting in April and will go see him for diagnostic interviews in July, when my insurance will qualify me for that appointment .
Meantime he has given me “homework” forms to fill out and bring, and the same for my husband. I am to bring some examples of my current deep interest, fossil sponges I have collected from this area to “show and tell” … I will also bring evidence of my lifelong interest in horses (a drawing) and a short explanation with photos of my other interest, color genetics of guppies.
I have plenty of time to think about the interview and prepare, also to fret, which is one of my best skills, much to my regret.
My attitude and worrying has changed a lot since I realized I am autistic. I give myself room to make mistakes and be human, I try to do better self care, I have learned to file past incidents in a mental file called “finished business” and I am being less and less bothered by bad memories being replayed constantly in my head.
Autism perseveration has plagued me for years, my mind bringing up past incidents over and over, making me re- live them, perhaps trying to figure out how I could have done better, or to understand what happened. Now I know it was autism for the most part which interfered in those life incidents/interactions and I can look at the incident from a better informed platform, and say that now I understand what happened and why, and then file that memory under finished business.
No need to re- live the suffering and sorrow, grieving, dismay,self punishment or punishment/anger and harsh words and acts of others, and regret over and over.
Knowing I am autistic has set my soul free.
I deeply desire that autistic others ,who do not know the reasons for so much of their pain in the past, will learn of their autism and gain the relief I have gained through knowing and being better able to understand oneself and forgive. I did not know, nor did anybody else involved in all those incidents… I can move on now! There will be a new report once I go through diagnostic testing in July ( 2019). More on recognizing autism in older people soon.