Autism and being lonely

Is feeling lonely as an autistic any different than the neurotypical experience?

It is the height of summer in northern Michigan here in the USA. Yesterday was the 4th of July, and it is a huge birthday party for the country all over. There are traditional get togethers, family camp outs, cook outs, beach parties, boating parties, baseball games, volleyball games, sand castle building, swimming, and loads of other summer activities, followed by huge displays of fireworks in every city. small or large.

We have a small home in a small community on Lake Huron. We live only 2 blocks from a public park with a beach. The park is the location of the “official” city fireworks, so very early in the day people begin to gather in the park. by noon, the side streets in this are are filled with cars of people going to the park.

My husband loves to walk on the beach and watch! I go with him each year to look at the sand castles built for a traditional contest. We pick our way through the crowds of folks , some old, some young, some single, some couples, some families. A wide range of people of all shapes and sizes, all doing some summer activity right there in the midst of many many others doing similar things. ( I guess except for the group one is with- this must be a form of parallel play?)
It crossed my mind to wonder why people enjoy this, with so much noise, so much chaos, so much physical discomfort. Of course I know they must experience it quite differently than I do.

So, I want to tie this in with feeling lonely.

I read so many articles and studies, reports, blogs, and the like, and have been trying to remember the lonely feelings I experienced particularly badly in my youth.
I now believe that it was not lonely as in longing for companionship, but lonely as in longing for acceptance and approval.

I think there is a difference!

Now I know myself to be autistic and I understand myself so much better, I am starting to pick out some threads that were constant in my past. I always felt rejected and felt at though people were angry or disgusted with me as a matter of course. This had a basis in reality.

I was physically repugnant due to a severe case of acne which left my face inflamed and many people could not bear to look at me (this from about age 10 through high school and early 20s). During that time I had little guidance other than corrections and criticisms from family. I did not learn social nuances or good manners, did not learn many things I could have been taught. I did not have good examples to follow.
I was only told what NOT to do, told I was bad or wrong, and punished repeatedly in many ways. I was desperate for acceptance and approval. If I had felt loved and accepted I doubt I would have felt “lonely ” at all. Here I am at age 72, finally figuring out things that most folks probably do in their teens? Even earlier in life? ( I am amazed at my life and my experiences and so grateful to finally, even at this last stage of life to be putting the pieces together. )

I think of being lonely as longing for companionship and interactions with others. Longing to be present in company of others, longing to socialize, communicate, joke, play, do activities together with others. Am I wrong?


Feeling accepted and approved of as part of society, whether family or out and about and doing solitary activities goes deeper. Humans are “herd animals” and everybody wants to be part of the herd, even if on the edges or at the bottom of the ( it is very real!) pecking order.
Those of us who the herd rejects are indeed lonely, but in a way that those who are part of the herd will perhaps never know or experience.

Today I see myself as part of the herd, although I am lowly status and on the very edge of the herd. People say “good morning” , sometimes somebody will hold a door open for me if we are passing at an entry or an exit. People look at my face when they speak to me. People sometimes even joke with me while we wait in an elevator, a long line queued up for some service, a waiting room. I am seen! I am accepted perhaps not as part of any social circle, but I am part of the herd.
That is the part of me that was so lonely when I was young, that was the part of me that hurt unbearably early in my life.

That was what I had hoped and prayed for in the lonely years.

Autism’s version of “lonely” is perhaps different than the average human’s “lonely”. At least it was, for me.