“unmasking” IS self accommodation.


So much media right now is focusing on autism and masking/ unmasking today’s catch phrases.

This seems to be a difficult concept for many newly diagnosed adults to understand.


Misunderstandings abound, and I worry about the harm being done to individuals who feel now that they MUST unmask completely or risk their health, mental health, or risk doing themselves perpetual harm if they don’t perform this mystical ritual. In the forums I attend, there is so much distress over this . “I want to unmask but I don’t know how” with desperate pleas for help.



Many books have been written and loads of podcasts, pages, etc are filling up with discussion, false information, frustrating and scaring many individuals if I am reading the posts in recent forum interactions online correctly.

So of course I have to jump in and offer my own opinion, explanation, and insights/ beliefs surrounding these recent popular “catch words” in the autism community.


First of all, as in any other situation, check your sources! Many people are being paid to perform, whether it is books, videos, podcasts, blogs, media pages or venues such as tiktoc, FB, X or other instant info media. Who benefits? Who is making money from selling books, touting this “new insight” and “how to do it”, who is behind the push and the social pressure to “unmask”???? Should you be afraid, concerned, desperate to cure yourself and throw off all social discomfort to boldly and blatantly do what you have maybe never done before in your life?
Are claims backed up by studies, are actual statistics available to support claims for statistics and claims for the harm supposedly done? How does one prove those claims ?

What must you do to be the “true you” in all situations and all possible ways no matter what?
( this seems to be the “counter demand” of many of those pushing “unmasking” today.
No wonder people are confused!)

Definitions vary. “masking” is generally considered the same as “camouflage” behavior, or socially adapting behavior common to society’s demands, deliberately hiding the ways we might be different, despite the distress or discomfort, physical, emotional, or mental toll such techniques may cause in us.


I define masking as forcing oneself to do things that others expect of you regardless of how difficult or stressful it is to you. This includes a wide variety of social adaptations, dressing in acceptable ways, behaving within certain defined social boundaries, regardless of the emotional, mental, or physical toll on our neurology or our limitations or abilities.

I masked most of my life , school, relationships, work all demanded that I play a role and perform to certain standards. This is not just an “autism thing” but is something that all humans practice in any social situation. Performing “as expected” can be much more difficult in many circumstances for neurodivergent or autistic folks. How far will we push ourselves when our neurology refuses to cooperate?

Where masking becomes unhealthy is the place where we find ourselves physically sick, emotionally distraught, mentally stressed and distressed repeatedly.
When our physical and mental health struggles become obvious to ourselves and others around us.
So many of us (autistic folks particularly, although I suspect this applies to everybody else too) make ourselves sick to please others, to try to fit in, to gain approval, to succeed in a job or a relationship, to be accepted and simply to avoid social pressure to conform, perform, or to please the boss, the teacher, the preacher, the neighbors, the spouse, the “Others” of this world.

Because many of us are not good at understanding our own emotions or physical feedback, the demands we place upon ourselves can exceed our capacity to perform successfully. Result is meltdowns, shutdowns, burnouts, mental illness, suicide attempts, breakdowns, and more.

Here is the thing I want to say. When we hear the term “unmasking” we are actually talking about self accommodation and self care. We simply have not recognized that there are things we can do to make our lives better each day and there are hundreds of ways we can adapt and change in almost any struggle.

Many of these adaptations will take some “thinking through” and “working around” to achieve.

In the process of making self adaptations, you will automatically “unmask” as you go and help yourself uncover the things about yourself that have been neglected, put aside, pushed away in order to perform as required/requested/demanded/pressured/in society including private relationships .

We may have focused so long and hard on pleasing others and trying to meet their demands, we have not discovered that we have alternatives and that we have needs, wants, thoughts, ideas of our own which may have been completely locked away as we push, push, pushed to perfect our assigned roles and perform as others expected.

So this is about expectations, about choosing when, where, how to perform to please others, and about putting your own needs first and finding ways to help yourself do better and be healthier, saner, safer, and live in less stressful and distressing ways every single day.

Once we recognize the things we are forcing ourselves to do are causing such stress and distress, we can take those struggles one by one and figure out different ways to do them. We can substitute behavior, rituals, schedules, routines, clothing, food, locations, social interactions, jobs, the company we keep, and so much more. (that is self care and self accommodation)

Start by figuring out what every day problems or activities are the most distressing or difficult for you. Your job making you sick with anxiety? Your co- workers, spouse, boss bullying you and harassing you? The clothing that you wear a constant battle, too uncomfortable? The lights, the sounds, the constant demands to perform in certain ways?

Each can be broken down to it smallest elements. Each can be changed. Sometimes it may take emotional homework, discord and disagreement, major changes to your life, but many adjustments can be made in many different ways to eliminate one at a time, things that are making you upset, tired, burnt out, triggered with anxiety, anger, upset, distress.

When you discover and admit that you are struggling with doing things asked of you, you can decide for yourself if you want to continue, change, arrange, compromise, or find new tools or ways to do what is bothering you on major or minor levels.


“unmasking” IS self accommodation.

One step at a time, making adjustments to live the life you need and want and not doing things that make you miserable to please or appease others.


There are likely a hundred different ways to solve most problems we face. But first we have to recognize that we are struggling.
Then we can figure out what to do about it.
One struggle at a time.

5 years past diagnosis, I am mostly “adjusted” and self understanding that comes with diagnosis has helped so much.

Realize that uncovering your struggles and making adjustments to your life in so many ways will take time.

Do your best self care, make sure you put your own health and needs first so that you have the energy and emotional resources to face each day as you move forward. You are definitely not alone!