Tag: masking autism

Who am I ???

Finding your authentic self after diagnosis


There has been much discussion lately, in the online forums I attend , about masking and finding one’s own identity.
How to drop the mask and be more authentic? How to know who I really am beneath all the adaptive and self protective behaviors I have learned over my lifetime? How do I know which parts are “real” and which parts are camouflage for self protection or ease of coping?

I was at a loss for a long time about these questions. For me a lot of these questions did not apply because as I had aged, I had adjusted my style of dress, my social behavior, my willingness to put up with discomfort, etc.
I had become more authentic to myself for the most part before I learned of my autism.

It might be a process of ageing that we become less willing to put up with social and physical discomfort or meaningless rituals or distressing social situations, or I might have been lucky to have sorted out sources of discomfort and to have allowed myself to discard those things that were most difficult and distressing to me.

I understand the need to sort it all out, and to self accommodate in order to have the best experiences that life has to offer and to eliminate pain and discomfort where we can.

May I suggest we start with the things that we find most difficult and distressing? By figuring out different ways to do things, we can eliminate at least some of the things that are hardest for us to tolerate.

I learned to avoid physical discomfort first. Stopped spending hours on clothing, hair, makeup, and worrying about being “in style” or if I looked right. Flat shoes, loose fitting clothing, easy hair cut, minimal makeup applied only for very special times. Works for me! Even within dress codes, unless a certain specific uniform is required, there is usually some leeway.



I got rid of the scratchy couch that I could not bear to sit on, the bright flickering fluorescent lights. When I lived alone I did not use TV or Radio. I now remove myself to my quiet zone if my husband wants to participate in things that drive me wild (TV and Radio for example).
I have bright clear lighting that doesn’t flicker in places where I need it for reading and close work.
I stopped forcing myself to go to concerts, listening to podcasts or videos, trying to interact in large groups (4 or more is a large group to me), stopped going to restaurants, shopping malls, and other places that caused my sensory struggles to make me anxious and put me in ‘stampede mode”. What was the point?
If things like wedding receptions, anniversary parties, retirement parties, etc send you into panic or meltdown, consider a congratulatory card, note, email, or phone call along with polite regrets.
( you don’t have to explain, just say you are sorry you missed their big day but wanted to send congratulations or whatever message you’d like to give).


I found new ways to get a lot of things done, adapting them to my sensory struggles so that I no longer suffered loud noises, chaotic surroundings, etc.

In replacing those old painful experiences I found joy in solitary walks in nature, taking photographs, doing crafts, listening to my choice of music (peaceful or upbeat and not dissonant, no lyrics since I can’t readily process spoken or sung words), I found the ‘real’ me.

I lost a lot of anxiety and anguish by simply declining invitations to loud parties, noisy social gatherings such as dinners in restaurants, classrooms, malls, etc and substituting meeting with one or 2 people for quiet shared activities.

It may require others in your life to make adjustments too, or you might need to compromise to keep peace, but I urge you to find your most distressing activities and find ways to eliminate them or change them to things that provide pleasure or at least reduce discomfort.

Change clothing, change shopping habits, change the way you socialize or interact with others, change decor or arrangements within your home to accommodate your worst struggles. Many of us have it in our power to make adjustments that can make life so much better. You do not have to do anything one certain way, or in many cases you might not have to do it at all.

Sometimes we need to just stop and consider alternatives. Change can be scary, but taken in little bites, and not all at once, sometimes changes can bring about a lot of relief and comfort in exchange for the pain, anxiety and frustration.

What can you do, one step at a time to remove painful experiences from your life and to substitute or build new and pleasant experiences for yourself?

Masking

sorting it out, or trying to: random musings


I am reading more on my autism forums and blogs about masking. It has been confusing me a lot!

I am reading declarations from people swearing they will no longer be masking. They will stim in public, they will be their autistic authentic selves at all times and in all ways, loudly and proudly. “throw off the mask!”

wait a minute… really? I understand that masking is done to gain social acceptance… that it is done to ‘fit in’… things like wearing things that are the same as everybody else at the office, wearing ( for women) specific styles of makeup and doing hair and nails in conventional ways to be seen as ‘normal’ and become socially acceptable… forcing oneself to be careful to have manners and try not hurt anybody’s feelings, to respond in kind if asked to participate in social gatherings, group activities, etc etc. Many of these things are very difficult for autistic folks, and seem to be harder for us than those with neurotypical selves. Have I got it all wrong?

I suspect that a good many people who are not autistic struggle with doing all of these things and with “playing the social game” as well.
Why else would there be all the cartoons and comments about wanting to get home behind closed doors and take off your work persona along with the office clothes or uniform, slipping into comfy clothing or PJs all of that. ????????

At age 68 I have very many habits deeply ingrained. I have had a very difficult time sorting out my own “masking” which I am assured by others is being unhealthy and somehow morally untrue to my autistic self hidden deep inside. I can’t find that me.
I did ” play the game” (and mostly failed anyway) when I needed to and I dropped most of that once I left the world of the office behind.
Late in high school I did try to use makeup, wear appealing clothing, spend hours doing my hair – at least off and on. My attempts failed, and I went back to wearing cowboy boots and jeans for the most part, and spending more time with my horse than with people.

Things changed mostly around 21 years old when I had a boyfriend who pressured me to be more fashionable, to do things a certain way, to wear certain things, to change my basic self to make him more satisfied with me as a partner who brought admiration and social status to him by looking or acting certain ways.
Of course these were HIS ideas of who I should be. Being trained since infancy to appease and perform for praise and to avoid anger and punishment, I worked very hard at it all. I had chosen the wrong partner.


Subsequent marriage and then later divorce from that man, and a load of good counseling on making healthy choices and learning to be self assertive, that all went away. It took years !
I had spent so much time trying to please others I did not have a clue about who I was or what I wanted.

I gradually found myself, and married somebody completely different. My partner of 40 years supported me in being the ‘real’ me right from the start.
I stopped dressing to please others and began to wear clothing that was comfortable and didn’t hurt. I have not owned a pair of high heels in 40 years. My feet are so grateful!
I stopped doing my hair and makeup and stopped worrying about the latest fashions.
I found something that suited me.
I stopped going to social things and started finding delight in nature. In essence I found myself. Years ago.
It took quite a while to realize that I had developed confidence in my own choices of how to appear and how to behave in any given situation.

How much of ‘masking’ is due to our lack of self confidence, our lack of self knowledge and self understanding in the rush to fit in and please others? I wonder if this is just one more thing I had to be taught because my autistic rigid thinking did not let me see alternatives until somebody else pointed them out?

After thinking it all over, I suspect I don’t have much masking left in me.
I have no desire to openly stim in the ways that I did as a child. I have changed and adapted stims over all these years of life. Why should I go back to awkward and difficult behavior that caused me to be even more socially isolated? Don’t all people grow and change and adapt? Why is that so wrong?

I have no desire to aggressively proclaim myself as “different” and wear yet another “social uniform” representing another group of angry people seeking attention by “in your face” attitudes.

The strident calls of “unmasking” and demanding to be accepted no matter how far afield a person dresses, behaves, or self decorates, etc do not mesh.

Human nature is attracted to those who are similar and rejects those who are radically different (in most cases).

I have no gripe with the way anybody else wants to represent themselves, but if I walk into a formal situation wearing a diver’s wet suit instead of traditional formal dress, should I be offended if people avoid me and look at me askance? My reading of some of these loud opinions on the forums is that I should be angry not to be accepted as myself no matter how I present myself. Really? I think that might be a tad unrealistic.

Maybe I misunderstand it all. In any case it is only my observations and construct from my own
” old lady ” perspective.

I speak for nobody but myself in my limited understanding of so much of the world.

Anger and strident behavior do not seem to me to be likely social attractants.

One side of the group autistic mouth proclaims and demands and the other side laments lack of friendship, finding few who willingly interact and respond.
Do what is right for you.