Autism, appeasement, people pleasing

I grew up in fear, lived most of my life in fear, beginning with corporal punishment from my caretakers before I could even speak.
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I learned early on that I must try to please those around me in every way to avoid punishment. I learned to be obedient, submissive, “helpful”, quiet, to keep my thoughts and opinions to myself, that nobody wanted to hear about my interests, my thoughts, my wishes.
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I learned that to resist any suggestions, directions, orders, requests, or demands was to be a bad person, terrible, selfish, hateful, thoughtless, insensitive, evil, greedy, ( this would be a very long list if I completed all the negative descriptions and discussed the anger, punishment and treatment that went along with them)
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Today we know appeasement behavior comes from trauma, it is one of the instinctive responses to trauma. Fight, Flight, freeze, and appease/fawning are all responses to trauma. We use them to save ourselves from dangerous situations (traumatic events) early in our lives, or whenever the trauma begins.
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I became hypervigilant, wary and very aware of any signs in others that they might be angry, unhappy with me in any way.
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I never learned healthy interactions with others in my “growing up” home, nor in the disaster that was my first (abusive) marriage.
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I finally got therapy as an adult. The therapist was able to explain the unhealthy dynamics of my relationships, all based on me pleasing others as a response.
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I learned that I was not ever, (ever, ever, ever) responsible for another person’s happiness.
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I learned that I did not “make” another person angry, I learned that it was not my job to serve and please others, not my job to give them my possessions, my body, my labor, my paycheck, my time and effort. ( its not your responsibility either!)
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I am not responsible for anybody else’s happiness and comfort but my own.
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This was a huge concept and difficult to figure out. All my life I had been told that I made others angry, that I made them unhappy, that I hurt their feelings, that I caused them emotional pain, caused them inconvenience, that I caused them distress. It was always my job to fix that!
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I tried so hard! I learned eventually through therapy and so many patient explanations from that blessed therapist, that I am not responsible for the way others see the world, how they experience any event in their lives, that I have not got to fix things at any sign, signal, request, demand for my services, servitude, actions or interactions.
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It was a very difficult concept to understand. Autism’s inflexible thinking no doubt hindered my progress at first.
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I learned how to say NO, how to set boundaries, how to recognize when I was being used, abused, intimidated, manipulated, and how to enforce the boundaries.
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I learned how to make healthy choices for myself and not to weigh the results regarding what others thought, felt, believed, or insisted on, but only what was right for me.
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This was such a huge change from the way I had always thought and believed (and behaved).
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I still fall back on appeasement from time to time, but for the most part have learned new techniques to help myself consider what I feel, think, want, believe in making healthier choices.
(This can be done! If I could do it, I believe almost anybody can)
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The difference in my life set me free. I can’t tell you how different my life has been since I finally found out that the way we have been taught is not necessarily the way things must be forever.
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I was given new communication skills/ tools, and learned that I could choose for myself what is right for me.
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It is not our job to make others happy, to fix anything for their problems or situations in this world.
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It is not our duty to be sure that others get what they want in any way at all.
(read that again and rub it in , repeat when necessary)
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In case you have not discovered this concept, give it some thought.

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So may older autistic adults were raised using physical and emotional abusive coercion, can you see how this might apply to your own traumatic past????
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You can do something about it. You don’t have to live in fear. This fact was one of the most difficult concepts to learn and learning how to free myself has been a struggle, but the difference in my life has been that of night vs. day.
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Are you afraid of displeasing others? Are you sacrificing yourself and giving all of your time and efforts to pleasing the aims, demands, desires of others? Its something to think about!