Why am I questioning my diagnosis?
Imposter syndrome is common among recently diagnosed folks, as well as those who are first beginning to recognize their struggles might be based in their neurology. They wonder if they fit the criteria for diagnosis, they wonder if there must be a mistake, if the doctor is competent, if they deliberately hid or exaggerated their struggles or answered test questions correctly , completely, or misunderstood context /meaning of certain test processes, directions. We have so many questions! Once we get diagnosis, we often wonder, “can this be right”? “is this true?”
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Seeing ourselves and our lives from this new perspective alters absolutely everything we thought we knew, understood, believed, thought and gives us answers to a lifetime of “whys”.
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It is usually a relief to learn that everything, every struggle, every failure in our lives was not “all my fault” but instead a sign of having a different neurology which causes struggles “average” or “normal” individuals simply do not have.
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Along with this, we carry blame and shame and lots of scolding and punishment for “failure to perform as expected”. We could have done it if we had tried harder, we were being lazy, deliberately rude and cruel, we were shameful and bad people because we could not/(would not) do what was expected of us in so many situations growing up and all through our adult lives. We were shunned, mocked, bullied, shamed, blamed, often punished, sometimes brutally, for our failure to perform as expected.
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We have had those ideas thrown at us and pounded into us (metaphorically or even physically) since we were infants. We have struggled and tried so hard and nobody believed that this was true. Suddenly understanding that we were right all along, that life has been difficult, painful, and that we have struggled and tried so hard in so many ways over a lifetime is usually a shock. We know it, but to have these struggles finally confirmed by others is like culture shock. We see everything differently. It is a lot to sort when we get to doing emotional homework and seeing almost every painful incident of the past in light of our diagnosis. It was not our fault, nobody knew, and so much was due to misunderstanding and skewed neurological performances…. it was ASD (and our other co diagnoses sometimes too) working behind the scenes.
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Nobody Knew!!!!
WE re live so many painful events of the past, suddenly see “why” we struggle socially, “why” we can’t seem to do so many things that others appear to do with ease.
There are years of accumulated events we must look at and understand through this new lens of information.
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I am here to explain that “imposter syndrome” is part of the processing of all this new insight.
WE try on the new definition, look through newly informed eyes at different parts of painful struggles of the past. Suddenly we may understand “what happened” and get one of those wonderful “aha” moments when a bit of information clicks and we suddenly “get it”. What a relief!
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Expect emotional storms, learn all you can. Ask questions in reliable places such as autism forums where there are lifetimes of experience to explain, inform, suggest, and support as you begin this new part of your life and find understanding of yourself, your lifetime, your neurology, your gifts and your struggles. There are many great resources today in the form of books, blogs, podcasts, scientific studies, autism online pages, forums, videos in various places all around the internet.
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Expect the sorting process to take time, do your best self care as you work through it, emotional storms will be less if you are healthy, fed, hydrated, and rested. You will have more resources to draw from when the going gets tough.
Its OK to feel every emotion as you work through it all, likely you will experience grief, sadness, anger, resentment, feelings of helplessness, unworthiness, relief, excitement , intense interest and the insatiable desire to learn as much as you can about your own neurology and how ASD applies to yourself.
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If you have formal diagnosis, try to get your evaluation summary in writing. It outlines your worst struggles and best strengths and can be very useful for self-accommodations going forward.
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Welcome to the new world your diagnosis /self identification opens up to you, welcome to self understanding and better understanding of all the “whys” of a lifetime.
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As you make self care and self accommodation a priority, your life is going to get easier and better in many small steps.
Best of all, diagnosis taught me I was not the “only one” but that there are many others “out there” who understand. We are not alone.
Tag: autistic imposter syndrome
Autism Imposter Syndrome
Feeling like strangers in a strange land
Where to start with describing this frequent feeling among autistic folks?
In discussion groups on forums and Facebook pages and other media it is so frequent that an autistic person will describe feeling like an outsider, like they don’t belong, as if they were born in the wrong time and or place. Many equate this feeling with being alien and from another world and deeply believe in their difference from others but until diagnosis are lost to understand why this feeling exists within them.
There is another version of this feeling lost and like we don’t belong which happens to newly diagnosed adults. We may question the diagnosis, may feel like it is all wrong, doesn’t fit.
We question whether the diagnosis is real or all a huge mistake.
The feeling is “imposter syndrome”, which is an actual label given to a very common experience among not only autistic folk, but neurotypical individuals as well.
Imposter syndrome seems to be caused by lack of confidence in one’s situation. We feel it when we have continual experiences or worries that we are not accepted, not understood, are doing “things” wrong or badly. Reality may be that we are doing just fine, but our self perceptions are of failing or being about to fail due to being inadequate in skills or poorly prepared for what we are doing or attempting to do.
Autistic reality and reported experiences of older autistic adults gives us frequent feedback to confirm that this feeling is often justified and is considered part of our autistic reality.
We really do live in places where we are frequently misunderstood, where we fail to communicate, where things are difficult to understand, and we often have difficulty knowing or understanding what is expected or considered correct in interacting with others .
It is no surprise that autistic folk feel this frequently and sometimes adopt being “alien” as part of their personality or the structure of their culture.
OldLady With Autism 