Autism anxiety, old age, trying something new
This is going to be more personal than a lot of my attempts to provide general information;
I am going to be teaching a little class for the “lifelong learners” group at my local community college. The title is “Discovering Adult Autism” . It will have basic information about autism’s history, what autism is and how it affects us, why undiagnosed people have needless struggles that could be helped by diagnosis, etc.
When I volunteered to teach this class I was offered live streaming or to wait until I could do the presentation in a classroom. Being old and unfamiliar with technology and being totally not visual in nature due to my autistic sensory processing issues, I asked to wait until class opened for personal participation.
I thought I would be teaching a very small group and have generated an outline, 5 pages of “handout” printed information.
I do not have the capability/access or experience, etc to produce visual format using today’s programs and graphics, etc. Very low key. Set it up as simple talk to local folks in a small classroom situation.
Just a week or so ago the ALL group leaders told me (did not give me the option) that they would be doing live streaming video. ( panic ensues)
I was not thrilled, having many self image struggles, and having avoided even photographs being taken of me for most of my lifetime.
I am adjusting to the idea that this is going to take place and have been told that the group moderator will do all of it without my being required to monitor screens, etc, which my visual and audio processing would make extremely difficult and stressful.
Instead she is supposed to tell me if the observers online have questions and to ask those questions for me to answer.
OK, I agreed to that.
Maybe I could pretend that was not going on and just give a presentation to the people present in class.
At age 68 (almost 69!) and being autistic, I am not too flexible or comfortable with new experiences… I see so many opportunities to humiliate myself. Lifetime of experience tells me this is likely to be the case in this situation too.
It is less than a week away and my program coordinator /moderator has not contacted me yet.
I only noticed that they had posted an online link to the thing for the group.
I repeat it here if anybody thinks they might be interested in watching.
Join Zoom Meeting
Meeting ID: 853 0706 2424
Passcode: 863872 1PM Eastern time USA, September 30.
Evidently it will also be perpetually available on Youtube through the links of the group, ALL of Alpena.
The only thing keeping me from complete stampede and backing out is thinking about the possible audience that could be reached to explain about adult autism and how important it is to find the lost generations who missed diagnosis in their youth.
I think about how much life has improved for me with my new understanding of my own autism and how much diagnosis meant to the difference in my life from “survive” to ” thrive”.
Remembering how important diagnosis has been to my own life will give me enough determination to go through with this, in spite of my super anxiety and the desire to hide and withdraw from the potential disaster I see lurking, and which my mind is only too willing to dwell on.