Training me

Why some “skills training” never works

I was gratified to find this article in my mailbox recently. It is so difficult to explain sometimes

why telling me I have messed up, correcting me and scolding me, giving me “pointers” or refusing to listen to my explanations about the way I struggle to understand my world are not helpful. This article/blog makes a good start.

https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/11/28/why-social-skills-training-does-not-help-autistic-people/?fbclid=IwAR3X5q-0JsAoDimXH7tkizE-7p7TjId4ybnGcNhU7sVQ1mth0sjJbKfK5io

I read books on “being popular”, books on “body language” , books on communication, empathy, social skills and manners, and was “taught”, “coached” “scolded” and punished for social blunders all of my life. I have tried so hard to fit in and to be aware of cues. This simply does not work for me (and for many other autistic individuals) because my “awareness” is broken. By the time my very poor visual and audio processing get through with any input, the subject under discussion has moved on and continues to progress, leaving me very far behind. I miss nuance, I miss tone, I miss subtle cues because my senses simply do not operate on a level where I can instantly and accurately interpret anything done “in real time”. I can not train my senses to pick up on cues in a timely manner, this will always be slow and inaccurate, and my understanding will always be impaired when doing things at normal speeds in “real life”. I have the same trouble watching video, movies, tv and with things like lectures, podcasts, and general conversations, especially in groups and in places where other things are going on around me, activities, background noises, other conversations, etc. No matter how many times you tell me to make eye contact, watch for body cues, listen for tone of voice or try to understand other cues which are obvious to those with normal (NT, neurotypical) sensory processing, I can not train my neurology to work faster, better, and more efficiently. For me, the best understanding of my world comes through reading the printed word and looking at charts, graphs, simple illustrations and images not in motion. Other senses are simply not reliable enough to use in every day interactions with others in a successful manner. Spending time over and over telling me I am doing it wrong will not fix it as much as I would like for that to happen. I desperately want to be able to interact successfully with others, and in quiet places with an understanding and patient other, I can many times do fairly well.
I am so frustrated with people who tell me “you can do it, you just have to try harder”. I can’t seem to explain to them that it is not a matter of teaching me what I ought to be doing, I know that full well after so many years of struggle and pain in unsuccessful interactions, even after all my study and my constant attempts to perform as expected. It has left me with a feeling of utter futility and perpetual frustration and some resentment too. I am capable of understanding how inadequate my neurology is, but all the wishing and trying in the world will not make me suddenly able to understand when my neurology is not adequate for performing the expected interaction, transaction, assignment, request, or task that I am asked to do.

It has left me with a feeling of complete futility and resignation, and I fully expect the blame and shame for my inadequate neurology to be placed on my simple ignorance, my willfulness, my lack of moral character and my stubborn refusal to cooperate out of spite, cruelty, haughtiness, pride or other assigned characteristics placed on my shoulders by neurotypical others who simply do not “get it”.

A few days ago somebody was telling me how I needed to get trained how to do a certain task involving making videos of others, and I tried to explain yet again that I didn’t think my visual and audio processing was adequate to the task.( I get motion sick among other things) I was ignored and told anybody could do it, denied that I had these struggles and that I simply was being recalcitrant and oppositional, I could do it if I would just try.

I guess in many ways our autism is very hidden. If we are good at faking it, we are then punished for the ways our neurology still can’t keep up with what is asked of us, judged as lazy, willful, ignorant, stubborn, and uncooperative, even accused of being passive aggressive when we fail at expected tasks .

I came home feeling like I was going to vomit, with a severe headache, neck and shoulder aches.
Once again I may have chosen the wrong group to volunteer for. I seem to be OK in very small groups, although I am exhausted after a meeting, but if I continue to come home not only physically and emotionally exhausted but also sick from the struggles of trying to “keep up” with what is happening in “real time” this is yet another failure at attempts to interact with others as a volunteer or to be useful in meaningful ways when interacting in “real time” with others.

You’d think I would have learned what doesn’t work after years of failed attempts, wouldn’t you?

It simply does not work to try to teach ourselves how to do things that are neurologically impossible for us. It simply does not work to tell me how I have failed in so many ways. I am painfully aware of this. I am made to feel the failure and the shame, It is not something I will get over by willpower and “training”. My neurology is what it is.

No matter how self aware we are, no matter how much we try, autism makes us different, autism is often a struggle, autsim is a core and essential part of who we are and who we must live. No amount of willpower or training will change my neurology.
Today is “autism awareness, autism acceptance, neurological diversity day” .

The Nature of Autism

How Science has given new information to help us

Our understanding of Autism is changing.
At the time of its addition to The DSM, autism was thought to be a behavioral disorder, probably caused by poor parenting and bad things that happened to individuals especially in early infancy around the time autistic behavior or signs began to be observed in a child.

Autism was in the past believed to be something that could be cured by treatments including coercion, which is modified somewhat today but still in use in many places, training children to behave or respond only in certain socially accepted ways to any circumstances or surroundings, stimulus or lack thereof.

Autism conversion treatment was through training using among other things corporal punishment including electric shocks. ( how could this have been worse than the so called poor parenting and trauma thought to have caused autism during this time?) (rhetorical question, think about it, though)

Autism was thought to have been caused by simple willfulness, ( autistic kids being wicked, evil, bad children) wrong thinking,
autistic children having been being “spoiled” by having been raised by inept adults in charge of them, or by having been given no love or caring at all. ( no win for parents who likely in most cases actually cared a great deal more than others about their own children )

Ideas about autism have since undergone beliefs about poor diet, deficiencies, allergies, immunizations, bacteria, lack of bacteria, brain inflammation due to many things including various childhood diseases, vaccination status, food, water or other contamination, pollution, ozone or atmospheric or genetic engineering of food, processed foods with “chemicals” in them and so much more. These ideas are being proved wrong, one by one. Science today has a better than ever understanding of the true nature of autism.

Truly scientific research today has found and confirmed these causes today:

Autism is known to science to be mostly genetic in cause, always present at birth, (not acquired or developed after birth) and autism is defined today as being caused by uneven neurological development.

Let me say that again. Autism is a result of unusual or different neurology that has happened through uneven development of various parts of the nervous system. The “programming” for neurological growth after being born is present before the autistic baby ever leaves the womb.

The nervous system? https://www.news-medical.net/health/What-is-the-Nervous-System.aspx

Yes.

Autism is the sign of uneven development of the nervous system.

What this means: Different parts of the nervous system can be developed or underdeveloped, deformed, missing, non functioning or poorly functioning or extremely highly functioning in different ways in every autistic individual.

Now we can understand how “symptoms” of autism can vary so widely in every autistic individual. Every one of us will have different struggles because every single autistic person will have ” unique to them only ” neurology from birth.

Science has defined markers of normal or typical development of neurology from newborns throughout childhood.
Typically developing infants and children grow in expected and predictable patterns.
A look at any book on child development will describe a newborn’s progress from birth, with a typical average child marking developmental milestones such as sitting up unaided, crawling, walking, talking and so much more at certain ages/stages and in certain expected order. Most “normal” or “typical” children crawl before they walk, for example.

Autistic children may not follow this pattern, in fact, this is one sign that diagnosing professionals use today to diagnose autism.

If a child does not sit up, crawl, walk, talk, or perform other expected developmental milestones “on time” and in the expected neurotypical (NT) order, these are signs of possible autism diagnosis.

Now we know autism is based on irregularly developed neurology with any area of neurological development and function likely to be affected, (most of one’s neurology or only part of one’s being affected) , we can find new ways of making life better for any given individual.

Gradually, autism behaviors are being understood to be due to poor neurological processing of any or all of the sensory systems.
This includes things we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, and our senses of place, time, physical or emotional self, our ability to sense things like light, temperature, taste, our ability to understand our bodily signatures that tell us when we are moving, how hard or how much pressure to use when we touch ourselves or others.
Sensory abilities to understand our emotions, or to do simple things like use eating utensils or open and close a door, climb steps, catch a ball, or use words to speak are directly affected by our neurology.

Things that come naturally to neurotypically developed/developing individuals can be huge sensory struggles in so many ways for those of us with autistic neurology.
When we consider how complex the neurology of any given human is, we can understand how so many varied “symptoms” of autism can be observed.

“Treatment” for autism is gradually changing from “training” the autistic individual how to do things in the way that neurotypical individuals do (this will always fail to a large degree because we are not equipped with typical neurology to begin with) (remember the old saying about fish and bicycles?)

Today focus for helping those with autism to succeed in a neurotypical oriented world is based on understanding of each individuals’ struggle. We seek to understand each autistic individual’s strengths and weaknesses and to help find ways to make performance of every day tasks easier, to make communication better between autistic individuals and the rest of the world, to give autistic individuals better individual tools they may need to succeed and thrive in a world which for the most part is not friendly to performance of daily living functions in other than “normal” or “typical” and socially expected ways.

Communication is emphasized much more today. Finally those offering “treatment” are discovering that if the autistic individual can communicate their needs and their understanding of their lives, the approach we need to help them succeed will become evident sooner and to better effect. It should have seemed obvious so long ago!

“Autisim treatment” simply can not be effective by “one size fits all” rote “training” therapies which attempts to “normalize” our behavior to “make us acceptable” in today’s society.
Such training simply is not helpful because the underlying very different strengths and weaknesses of each individual is so varied and so different from any other autistic person’s. “faking normal” by standardized training methods will never be successful. Ask autistic individuals who have been through these courses of “therapy”.

Behavior is not being “trained out of us” today as frequently. Instead autistic behavior is being examined to understand the neurological processing struggles that drive the behavior.
This is the key to a better life for all autistic individuals. All autistic behavior has some neurological basis driving it. Behavior can be learned as adaptive (and maladaptive) as we experience life, but today we understand Autism is neurological, not psychological in nature.

Today tools are being developed and lifestyles are being changed to make every day problems around certain neurological challenges easier to handle, easier to work around, easier to do in different ways.
Actual communication and understanding is imperative in these therapies/ treatments/ ways we are addressing autism and autistic struggles and strengths.

How long before this understanding is the standard for ongoing diagnosis and therapeutic or supportive aid to be the norm in the medical and social world surrounding autism today?

Autism : Teaching compliance

Making the perfect victim

One topic that keeps coming up on the autism discussion forums I belong to is how many of us have been victims over time.
We seem to have suffered more than average rates of crimes ( simple physical and or sexual assault, fraud, intimidation, manipulation for profit, use and abuse by those we believed were friends or even domestic partners, on and on).
One of the most asked questions is “how can I know when people are taking advantage of me, how do I figure out if what I am experiencing is abuse?”
What makes us so vulnerable to this sort of use and abuse?
I believe it is a number of factors.

One of the characteristics of autism is its “black and white thinking”. We take things literally and often do not see what is “behind” a statement or a behavior.
If we think we see a duck, we do not suspect it is really something else.
What we think we see is what we believe.

We tend to be anxious to find approval and friendship, and romantic love. ( Isn’t that human nature?)
But it seems we are not equipped to see (hidden motives) behind the face that is put on to gain our confidence.
We take things literally, so if my man friend tells me he loves me, do I even suspect he does not, but has more nefarious purposes? (gender used in this case is just an example and does not reflect that this can and does seem happen to all of us regardless of gender). Manipulative use can come from people we see as ‘friends’ , buddies from work or other situations asking for money, asking us to give them homes with us, help them do things, even directing and or pressuring us to do illegal things, either innocently, or knowingly.

I know one thing that made me very vulnerable was being taught to be compliant and obedient. This was the style of child rearing practiced in the 1950’s and 60’s. Kids were meant to be seen and not heard, they were to be polite and obedient to adults, neighbors, teachers, the minister, the folks in the stores and other public places. We were taught unquestioning response to adult demands.
I was punished over and over for asking why, although I was looking for clarification of intent or purpose and not questioning the actual commands that were given to me.
I was taught to sit still, to not speak unless spoken to, to be in all ways at all times a “nice little girl”, to be a “lady”, and society’s expectations for women to please men was role modeled for me.
I was taught to seek approval in everything I did, and to wait for directions, not to take my own initiative, and to in all things be subservient, looking for approval.

This ties in to lifelong struggles to appease any person I come in contact with. I must strive to please every person I meet. I learned this behavior as a very young child and it was the safest way to live in my world.
That approval was the only way I was able to keep myself safe, if I did not have approval and permission or direction from somebody else more powerful (and EVERYBODY was more powerful) then I did not proceed, for it was not safe to do so.

Thinking back, I realize I had learned these lessons and this behavior before I even entered school, and subsequent experiences throughout my childhood repeated and re-enforced the lessons.
I had learned not to be self assertive under any conditions, to wait for instruction , to seek approval. I was not allowed to get angry, and was punished severely for any angry or resentful behavior.
Combine that with my autistic lack of insight into human nature, lack of understanding of social and other interactions, lack of life experience and lack of explanation for any factors beyond ” Do it when I tell you to, and how I tell you to” … you can understand how I was ‘set up’ to fail. I was raised to be the perfect victim, and this is what I became.

Flash forward to today’s ABA , where kids are taught the exact same things to make them “socially acceptable” and “cure” their autistic behaviors.

They must endure adult pressure for extended periods of time, are taught to seek approval, act only when told to act and in the way that those adults choose, how and where they choose. This is performed for up to 40 hours a week usually before the child enters school.
ABA kids are taught to accept touch from those in power over them, uncomfortable, often sudden touch in the form of tickles, hugs, etc etc and taught to endure and act to please the controlling adult.
They are taught to do without protest the rote projects they are faced with performing.

ABA kids are taught to perform for approval or ‘rewards” such as a bite of a favorite food, much as dogs, or circus animals have been trained for years.

What will become of them when they are faced with demands from society, from classmates, from unreasonable bosses, co workers, high pressure sales persons, or demanding manipulative devious “user” adults who demand money, sex, or other unreasonable and unhealthy behaviors?
Will they have been taught to discriminate, or will they blindly try to appease those sorts for approval?

I can tell you which behavior I chose and used until a suicide attempt at age 30 sent me to therapy, where I learned how to become healthily self assertive.

I did not know there were alternatives to appeasement behavior. I had to be taught!

38 years later and I still struggle most days with appeasement behavior.
( for more information look up” freeze, flight, fight, fawn” patterns of behavior.)