Autism Expectations

We have spent a life time trying to live up to others’ expectations
What expectations do we have of others ?

This has to do with autism and relationships. We have all read about our repeated failures to live up to the expectations of others regarding performance, behavior, productivity, ability to do all the things that society usually expects of “normal” or neurotypical individuals. We all know the frustration, self blame and shame, anger, disappointment, and distress over the ways we fail to do things others expect of us.
–
Many of us have been punished repeatedly, ostracized, blamed, shamed, bullied and pressured in so many ways over our failures to live up to the demands, requests, requirements, and requirements of others in every- day living.
–
This goes for relationships of all sorts, too. Friendships, co workers, schoolmates, and social encounters in the general public as well as interactions within families, romantic relationships, dating scenarios, interactions with anybody at all are always up for judgement by others.
–
In the several forums for adult autistic individuals which I attend regularly online there is a constant theme of sad reports on the difficulty of finding friendship, finding romance, Struggling relationships or complete lack of them. Of course this goes back to the diagnostic criteria we must meet to get our autism diagnosis. We do struggle with relationships.

I also see a pattern among some of the complaints and distress.
I wonder how much rigid thinking applies to our own expectations of what friendship “is”, what romance “is”, what true love “is” and I suspect that many individuals in these threads have very rigid ideas about this topic.
–

Do we expect physical perfection and idealize what the partner in “true love” must look like?
Do we expect constant attention and attendance on our wants and needs, whether partner, friend or family member, expecting them to act on our demands and wishes and feeling hurt if we are not the complete focus of the other person?

Do we expect absolute exclusion of all others in favor of our own presence? Do we feel jealous and try to control whether the partner or friend does things sometimes with other people and you are not included??
–
Do we spend time idealizing all the things we will do, how it will be, what will happen when we spend time with that person? Are we disappointed, hurt, enraged if the actual experience does not happen the way you want it to, or if the other person refuses to do the things you want them to?
–
See the phenomenon of “limerence” in the way we think about others and the unhealthy ways we may come to have some of these ideas and ideals.
There are lots of explanations of limerence in depth if you use any search engine on the internet.
–
Sometimes friendship and romance, even business relationships, relationships with family, neighbors and others we encounter are not at all what we want them to be, not what we believe they should be, or what we expect. Do we have realistic ideas about relationships?
–
It does work both ways , regarding this idea of living up to expectations.

Do your expectations for interacting with others keep you from having healthy interactions and relationships ?
It might not be just “them”.

INFODUMP

Autism and information sharing

Have you heard that term? “infodumping” ??? It refers to information sharing.
It seems to have its origins in negative attitude toward the autistic inclination to share information.

I began reading in depth about infodumping or information sharing recently.

Of course most articles were about children and how to keep them from “infodumping”, redirection was the most frequently advised response. I recently met a mother and her autistic offspring. Mother told her children directly, when I want to know about that, I’ll ask you. (a less direct way to say “shut up”, “I don’t want to hear from you” ) What message does that send to those children? ( see the last statement in above parentheses ).

When we are enthusiastic about any topic, we want to share the excitement of what we are learning, have learned, with others. We reach out to share what seems like magic, stimulating, enthusiasm-making information only to be rejected and told our excitement and interest does not matter, that nobody wants to hear about it.

Information sharing is one of the primary ways we reach out to others, and can be used to teach conversation skills, reinforce self esteem, and our enthusiasm for any subject can be used to help us find our way in the world.

Associate any task with our interest and you have our immediate attention. Example: I hated math in general when young, but when I learned I would need math to calculate how much hay to buy my(imaginary back then) horses for a day, a month, a year, etc. I could see it was something I would need. Doing math problems about horse related things made me less resistant and more receptive to using math.

Information sharing is a way of trying to reach out and make our interests relevant and interesting to others as well.

In reading about infodumping/ sharing interests I figured out that my blog and my FB interest groups were all forms of information sharing. We don’t share emotions, we share facts.

Somewhere very early on in my life I learned to hide my feelings and that they were useless to me. Instead I figured out that facts were tools that I could use to figure many things out. I could not trust my emotions or my peers/parents/siblings emotions to guide my behavior and my thoughts, instead I relied on what I thought were facts.

I immersed myself in learning facts, finding more out about any topic that interested me. Facts were tools I could use, could relate to, and they did not change from day to day, and if they did change, I could get more information to understand why.

Today, my life is still filled with “information sharing” activity, maybe even more than before. I have hope that others like me will understand and find relief and enlightenment in the sharing of autism related information.

My daily researching and interacting with others on line, information sharing of things related to my favorite topics , is me trying to help others, attempting to help with answers to questions or information to apply to ways to understand ourselves.

Look at information sharing as making oneself vulnerable in order to share a small part of one’s passions and caring.

Look beyond the fact that YOU might not be interested, but that the person sharing the facts they have so passionately gathered with you in order to find a connection or recognition of the things that are important to them.

Can you see the person and the enthusiasms, the passion, the interest in that “infodumping” person wanting an interaction so badly with you and hoping you might understand?

Communication is always a “2 way” (or more ways with more people) thing. Are you doing your part to reach out to the autistic individuals in your life? Do you expect them to interact with you on your terms only, in your way, expecting them to adapt and interact only in ways of your choosing? Or are you willing to look behind simply expecting certain behaviors and communication on your terms and see how hard the autistic individual is trying to relate or get you to relate to them?
Are you willing to learn about the ways autistic individuals communicate, and reach out to understand, accommodate, and learn more about their lives, their experiences, their unique abilities and gifts as well as blaming and shaming, coercing them to fit society’s idea about what they “should” be, instead of who and what they are?

Autism Relationships

Parallel Play

I read an article recently that talked about “parallel play” as it is used by adult autistics.

Parallel play is when one is in the company of others and each engages in an activity without much interaction between individuals. Each person may be in the presence of others but is solitary in the nature of what ever activity they are doing. Small children may use parallel play on the playground, for example, one on a swing, one on the climbing or bouncing structures, all seeing each other enjoy activities but not actually interacting. For most kids, that part of play is mostly replaced by interactive, organized games or pretend scenarios, tag, playing hospital or house for example, as they grow older.

In our household we 2 are content to each read a book in the same room, or even in different rooms, or to use the computer, do crafts, or other things individually, but knowing the other is there seems to add comfort or to be companionable without the need to interact.

We may go for most of the day without speaking more than a few sentences to each other. We rarely discuss emotions (almost never!) nor do we often play board games or card games or participate in similar activities together.

Usually even meal prep and eating is solitary. Once a week we may cooperate on a communal meal where we do at least part of the preparation together and we sit down and eat at the same table at the same time.

When we had our family, we always ate meals together but since the young ones have flown the nest, our health needs dictate specific and mostly different diets. It is too much work to figure out things we both can have and coordinate meals so that our metabolic schedules and caloric needs are addressed, etc.

https://www.adultandgeriatricautism.com/post/autism-and-relationships-parallel-play-in-adulthood#:~:text=Within%20the%20autism%20spectrum%2C%20we,ideas%2C%20opinions%2C%20or%20emotions.

There is growing recognition that autistic individuals are quite capable of having relationships but that the communication and interactive structure of such relationships may differ vastly from “the norm”.

Do you practice friendship and closer relationships using “parallel play” ?

I recognized that the successful interactions I reported in one of my recent blog and the friendships I found then were based on parallel play and information sharing.

More research needs to be done to learn the best modes of relating to autistic individuals. Instead of “teaching” us how to interact as neurotypical, and expecting our relationships to be based on neurotypical behaviors and “social norms” , there needs to be better understanding of what forms of relating and interacting are most comfortable and useful to those of us who are autistic.

Communication and relationships are best for relationships when not completely one sided.

Autism and friendship

Social struggles are one of the hallmarks of autism

One of the most important diagnostic elements in obtaining an autism diagnosis is social struggles.

Difficulty with human relationships and struggles with communication are both things that need to be present in any person for diagnosis of autism.

DSM 5, description of autism, the diagnosis manual guidelines used in the USA, defines several different ways a person may struggle with relationships and communications.
To receive a diagnosis of autism, a number of specific struggles must be present.
Use your search feature to look up specific DSM V descriptions of all the ways an autistic person can struggle with social issues and communication.

In other words if one does not have social difficulties, one will not be diagnosed with autism.

This being so, I continually see threads of discussion on autism forums I attend, asking how to make friends, how to find a partner to love and share life with?

I have struggled with these too, when I was younger. It breaks my heart that so many of us feel this so deeply, and it is completely understandable. To want companionship and shared affection is human nature.

Being autistic myself, I have had a lifetime of social pains, disappointments, misunderstandings, crushed hopes, trampled dreams, and horrible memories of failed relationships. I suspect this is human and all people can probably relate to this in one way or another, not just those who are autistic.

On the other hand, I also have had a few lifetime friendships and have now been married for almost 40 years. Because I see so many people sharing their pain and struggles in relationships and friendships, wishing to do better and not knowing where to start, I have been giving a lot of thought to the few successful relationships I have had over time.
Maybe there are things within these successful experiences that could be used or adapted in other people’s situations to find friends or attract a mate.

What do all of my successful friendships over the years have in common? First and foremost, we have shared interests.
We share information, enjoyment, and activities surrounding a common passion ( special interests!).
We are peers from the same economic status, similar educations, and have somewhat similar outlooks on life, or we are willing to tolerate, support and respect each other’s differences.

We were local to each other at the times our relationships formed, so we had easy access to each other for interaction.
I met each of my good and true friends while following a common( shared by the other person) special interest.
That gave us something in common to talk about and to interact with , also gave us the opportunities for other activity planning around the common interest. This seems particularly significant to me.

I retired 7 years ago to a new community where I did not know anybody.
I tried to join a couple of interest groups but found that in both cases, the members and I had little in common. Both were groups whose basic life outlook differed from mine and whose socio-economic standing was far different from my own.
In spite of that common interest, no wonder I could not find anybody to relate to!

I joined a couple of facebook groups online which exchange discussion and information about one of my favorite activities.
A few local people from the facebook groups suggested getting together to do that activity together.

Some of the people I met were not very compatible, and i did not see them again, but a handful of them were. We found so many things we shared in common, not just the special interest, but our lives, our outlooks, even similar disabilities. Amazing!
I now have a small group of local people who share my passionate interest and who I can meet with when I choose, and with the person or people I choose… whether a large group or a smaller more personal group.
It has taken 5 years, but now I almost always have an activity to share and people I feel comfortable to share it with.
Having that common interest and basic social background seem to be the key. I can be as active as I want, they know me and accept me for who I am.
I have never experienced having a group of friends to do things with before. It worked for me. Maybe it will work for you too.

Because autistic people like lots of detail, I will talk about a few things that I have learned ( the hard way!) which don’t work.
I looked for others on the fringe of the group, the outsiders or the “odd ducks”. I get along best with others like me.
I did not attempt to chase a friendship in a family group or to follow the group leaders and social high status people of the group. I learned not to try to be a part of the “in” crowd , in other words.

I have seen some males do odd things in search of romance. They will inevitably pick the “hottest babe” in the group, set sights aggressively focusing interest on her alone, and be disappointed if she is not interested in return.
If they had looked around them they would have seen lots of average, woman on the street , sometimes chunky, funky, interestingly dressed , bold or timid women watching from the sidelines. Get real. Most of us are not fashion models, women or men! ( and I don’t mean to be exclusive of any group/groups/gender or non gendered people seeking companionship or love, I am just using as examples of experiences from my own long ago past) .
Don’t look twice at the #1 pick from the fantasy movies or books, but real life people of your own social status and physical type.
Find somebody who is real. Hormones are funny. Think with your head. Women do this too, and will sometimes chase a high social status man not at all compatible with her own status or physical type in the same way…. wondering all the time what they might be doing wrong.
Take a realistic look and try to discern fantasy from reality.

Funny, me the social failure giving relationship advice. I have to see the irony in all of this. If there ever was a social failure for most of her life, its me.
I did finally get some of it right, the results speak for themselves. I’ll never be a social butterfly, a politician or a diplomat. But I am not so lonely nor do I feel as defective and as much of a failure socially. The best news is that things can change. We can change the ways we go about things, learn new ways to react, interact, new ways to do things. This goes for social struggles too.

I learned about the acceptability of being squeaky clean and showing signs of good old soap and water. No need to mask and use makeup, fancy clothes you don’t feel good about, no extra adornment if you don’t like it. Just be good and clean… that is attractive! I learned the same about wearing clean clothing, and about basic manners, and am getting better at conversation now I am aware enough to practice good manners in conversations, learning social cues about when somebody is bored, when I am talking too much, not listening enough, etc.
I am sure it all takes conscious practice for something that might be instinctive to some. Harder work for us but maybe worth it. You will have to decide for yourself how far you want to go with socialization and “how to do it”.
I somehow missed a lot of the basics, having nobody to explain them to me all those years ago.
I wish somebody had sat down with me even as an adult and talked to me, talked to me about all my social weaknesses so that I would have been aware enough of them to have done something about practicing social skills and learning about them… but until I learned about my own autism at 65/66 and had discussions with so many others with similar struggles, social interactions were just one more thing I did not know that I did not understand!
I am trainable! ( that is one of my standby mottoes which has stood me in good stead).

I keep going back to this point in my blog, I recognize it.

” If you are raising an autistic child, please explain simply everything!”

Explain what to do in social situations, how and why we do it. Explain what can happen in every situation you can think of and talk about unexpected outcomes, handling awkwardness, apologies, explanations, manners, what to wear, what is appropriate, what is not in any situation. and WHY.
The more you explain, the more understanding cooperation you are likely to receive, and the better your young one will be prepared for the realities of being an autistic adult in a social world.