How do I do this?

“This” is almost any thing in life you wish to accomplish.

Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully.
(definition is quoted from developing child Harvard. edu. website )


The forums I attend are full of questions asking how to do things.

How do I stop masking?

How do I get organized?

How do I gain independence?

How do I get a job?

How do I ask somebody to go out with me?

How do I find friends?

How do I redecorate this room?

How do I assemble a wardrobe?

I think I recognize something in common for all of these questions.
In every case, the project in question is complex, needing development of separate skills or taking separate steps, but the person looking at it can not figure out how to proceed.

Executive function insight is what is missing.

How do we know what we need to know, when we don’t know it? I have had miserable experiences attempting numerous projects without having a clue as to what was needed or how to proceed.
My entire childhood and you adulthood was scattered with embarrassment, shame, guilt, and frustration because I could not figure out how to do things that others seemed to know how to do naturally, and I did not have the support of others to help me understand.
I learned I was inept at many things, and it has been such a relief to understand I was not just plain stupid, but that my neurology was working against me in many cases, and that I should have had information and instruction before proceeding. In effect, most of my life has been spent learning “what not to do”.

This is another instance where my diagnosis and my understanding of my world through knowing about my own autism has been such a relief!

I had to learn how to break anything I attempted down into tiny steps to be taken.


I had to develop the ability to decide which steps came first and how to learn the skills needed for even the smallest project.

As I got older, (middle school, when I could finally access the local library on my own- back in the days before computers) I was able to consult books to get information about how to do so many things, books with photos, line drawings, maps, charts and other useful tools which helped my understanding.
I find I still learn best today by taking step by step printed and illustrated information through reading information, and then putting those steps together to understand how to proceed.

My inability to understand any unknown or never encountered project has remained the same. I will always need to understand things completely before I feel brave enough to attempt doing what is asked of me or is needed.

There are so many “how to” references for most life skills, both written and video/audio, and the internet is a wonderful tool for these things.
But many autistics are not readers and many do not learn well from videos, podcasts or lectures.
If you are somebody who needs a coach and must
“do it yourself” to know and understand, there is absolutely no shame in asking for help, taking lessons, finding a coach or a mentor to help, etc.

If a person wants to learn new skills of any sort, that information is available. We may need to ask for help to find the information we need.

We first must reach out and ask “how do I do this?”
If you know somebody who is autistic, this question is not just random thinking out loud, it is a question which needs a definite and specific answer with as much detail as you can provide.

Parents, spouses, caretakers, are you listening?



Flat Affect

I missed this one, I think!

I have been trying to learn if there is a link between Parkinsonism’s “mask” and Autism’s frequent reports of flat affect.

Flat affect is simply a lack of expressivity in one’s face and reactions.. the lack of showing emotion in one’s “presentation” to the world. Flat affect is reported as being frequent among autistic people.

I was quite surprised when the Doctor who diagnosed my autism said in the summary report that I “presented with flat affect”. I had always thought I was quite expressive both in my face and body, and in my voice! I certainly feel emotions, and was amazed that these emotions are not clearly visible on my face and in my reactions, etc in interactions with others, etc.

My mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s while she was in her mid 50’s partly because she appeared to show “the mask” or flat affect that is known to develop with Parkinson’s disease… and knowing of her autism, I am now wondering if the flat affect due to her autism was perhaps attributed instead to Parkinson’s.

Flat affect might be one reason that autistic people are often accused of being cold.. our emotions may not be evident to others because of flat effect… NT people generally are very facially expressive of emotions and looking at one’s face is often a giveaway to one’s thoughts ( one being a person or an individual). When other people can not see our emotions clearly displayed on our faces, it is assumed that we are unfeeling. This is often far from the truth!

If you have been accused of ‘Not caring, being cold, being heartless, unreceptive, detached,” or otherwise unfeeling, yet you know you feel emotions sometimes desperately, perhaps flat affect is present. Did you know? I did not!