“rejection sensitive dysphoria ” and –what is that all about??
It is the experience of almost every autistic individual at many stages of our lives that we are socially rejected. We can be dismissed, mocked, ignored, shunned, bullied, “corrected”, punished and blamed repeatedly from the time we are small children right through our adult lives.
As youngsters we learn to isolate ourselves voluntarily instead of continually risking rejection in so many forms. We learn that our company or companionship is not wanted, that others don’t like things we do or the way we look or behave.
It seems to many of us that we are not wanted, that nobody is interested, that nobody cares to hear about our interests, our feelings, our ideas and thoughts, nor do they want to interact with us in groups.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is diagnosed when feeling rejected becomes dominant in our lives and we shape our lives around avoidance, often feeling abused, neglected, and also quite resentful and sometimes angry at others who have provided these continual experiences that blame, shame, mock or shun us.
Avoiding social interactions as a way to cope is deemed by some to be “unhealthy”.
Compare to constant head banging on a brick wall, doesn’t it feel better when I stop trying to do that and avoid the pain of the interaction between me and the brick wall? Avoidant behavior is not just based on “misperception” sometimes it is based on the reality of our experiences.
This is a fairly complete explanation of what Rejection Sensitive dysphoria “is” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201907/what-is-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria#:~:text=People although it centers around ADHD persons, substitute ASD or add it to the discussion here as well. The thing is, for many autistic individuals , our experiences with interactions with others have confirmed our biased thinking, and raised our guard to expecting negative reactions when we approach others for interaction.
Is it dysphoria if the negative interactions actually do happen more frequently than positive interactions?
https://embrace-autism.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-in-adhd-and-autism/
again, studies have been done with adhd subjects but so far research for ASD individuals are missing. (but testing shows that many ASD individuals will also have comorbid ADHD (did you know?)
It is no wonder that many of us become reclusive after lifetimes of being rejected, mocked, bullied, avoided.
If we actually experience this treatment frequently, is it any wonder that we have developed these opinions and outlook on our lives and adjusted our attempts at interaction accordingly?
This blog article was triggered by yet another experience of me observing somebody I have known and interacted with spotting me and taking evasive action by turning their back and walking rapidly away.
When the rejection is real, is it any wonder that we see it and respond to it by becoming self protective and reclusive?
There are many articles online discussing rejection sensitive behavior, causes and “cures” or “treatments” Check it out and think about it. It doesn’t seem to me to be maladaptive when we stop doing something that generally ends in failure and emotional pain. Feeling a bit cynical over this topic. No answers.
Tag: autism avoidant
“fixing” Autism
“Now you know, so you can change that”
I encountered this in one form or another all my life.
I was wrong, I was bad, I was a problem.
By being told how I was wrong, bad, stupid, a problem, or otherwise behaving badly, I was supposed to understand and change my ways. Often this was not specific, but things like “you know what you have done”, “think about it” or “shape up”,
It was assumed at all times that I was “doing it” on purpose, no matter what behavior or lack of insight or comprehension of any given situation or actions was involved.
I see this constantly on forums, in discussions, in ideas about “autism training” “behavior therapy” etc.
The concept seems to be rooted in the idea that all I ( the autistic subject) need is to be enlightened or told and then I can willfully and simply change their behavior.
( In this is the idea that the autistic person will want to simply change!)
“what can I do to make my child like “this thing” ” “do this thing” “behave this way” ?
” What can I do to make my autistic partner more responsive to me” ?
“I love my mate but they are so socially inept, how can I help them”?
( meaning how do I get them to change to somebody who is not like that)
“I want to help my mate be a better partner, he or she ( description about all the things the partner does that are not what the complaining mate wants)”
“I care so deeply but if my partner does not do (this) I will leave them” ( its not a partnership where we work together, it is either my way or the highway)
I see this as maladjustment of the person asking the question in each of these instances. It is not convenient or easy or comfortable to change oneself, so it is easier to blame problems on the other person. The autistic child or adult carries a double whammy because, well, autism. Relationships always require the work of all the individuals involved to be successful, in shared problem solving, especially.
Subjects under a dictatorship are likely to revolt eventually.
In many instances there is a great deal that could be done if the complaining person, parent, partner, spouse, classmate, friend, etc. Would take a look inside themselves and see if there are other ways they could choose to behave or react in cases where they want the autistic person to change or “do better”.
I was subjected to rages and physical abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, and more, to try to “fix” my autism and make me into an acceptable form of person to my parents, my siblings, my friends, my spouse and others.
I did not do what they wanted me to, did not react or behave as they thought I “should”. My childhood and young adult life was a misery.
If your child does not do something you want them to, how do you change your actions, reactions, behavior, environment, words, schedules, expectations, to adjust to this circumstance?
If your autistic partner, friend, spouse, etc. Is doing something that you do not like, do you continue to punish, abuse, berate, criticize, harass, belittle, intimidate, scold, and shame in expectation that they will change ?
Do you just do that over and over, maybe more loudly or harshly or with more anger?
I suggest that the person who has the complaint needs to think of new ways to approach any problem, so that it is not simply up to the autistic person to change.
Instead of expecting the leopard to change his spots, try changing your approach to the leopard.
Some things are not possible due to invisible workings of our neurology. Some things may be negotiable or navigable with support and encouragement.
Constant criticism, “fixing my problem” by making me miserable because everything is all my fault for not doing better, fixes nothing at all.
Is it any wonder so many autistic people avoid contact with others ? Avoidant behavior may be considered a personality disorder, but it makes perfect sense to those of us who have lived our lives under constant demands we are frequently not equipped to respond to in the expected ways. After so many repeated social failures is it not reasonable to find relief by withdrawal?
OldLady With Autism 